The Femme Faux Pas

Let’s talk about something light and fluffy on this Tuesday. The femme faux pas. What I am referring to here are things that our femmes do that are similar to our own butch fails (Butch Fails). But, since they are femmes, we would never call them that. They are femmes, after all, the kinder and gentler of our species. Dare I say that they never fail at anything? Femme faux pas seems better, though it’s hard to know what the plural is. So let’s just use “FFP.”

  1. Shy Cleavage: Not all femmes have cleavage in spades, but if you do and you don’t ever show it, that is a FFP. We need to see it sometimes. Actually, we probably want to see it all the time, but we don’t necessarily want you to show other people – so some discretion is required. It’s a tough balance. We get that.

    Wear this…

  2. Overlooking Quick Bow Tie Tying: Some of us butches take special pride in our bow ties, and for those of us who tie them ourselves (ahem), if we tie that perfect tie in a matter of seconds, you must notice. Not every time, of course, but often enough that we know you appreciate just how very butch we are.
  3. No Smokey Eye Makeup: We need you to wear that makeup proudly and generally try to keep up with the latest trends. The smokey eye is particularly sexy, I would go so far as to say, on every femme. Please learn how to do it, and please do it sometimes. It is super hot. No need to wear this or any make up every day, of course, but sometimes break out the special dark and stormy sexy look. But Butch, I don’t know how to do smokey eyes! You can find lots of instructional videos on YouTube; here’s one for beginners, for example: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_aqWD_9gH8. Or, go to Sephora. They will show you how. Butches, you are welcome.

    …Not this

  4. Granny Panties: Really? Nothing more needed here. FFP
  5. No Purse: We are happy to carry your stuff most of the time, in our ample pockets, but on special occasions, please carry a purse. Then, you can carry our stuff! There is a special exception here for Sporty Spice Femmes. We know that you will never or rarely carry a purse, and we will adjust. Can we at least borrow your chap stick sometimes?
  6. No Pre-Lipstick Kiss: Right, butches? She is getting ready in the morning, or before going out, and once the lipstick is applied, there is no chance in hell of getting a good kiss. “Butch, you’ll ruin my lipstick!”  So, the procedure should be, your femme gets ready, and then the last thing she does is apply that lovely lip lacquer. Just before doing so, she calls out to you (you are on the bed fully dressed, waiting for her, and killing time on Facebook or Twitter) to come and get a “pre-lipstick kiss.” You come bounding over like a giant Sheep Dog. If this does not happen and the lipstick is already on, it will be a while before you get a good kiss. Please don’t forget, femmes.

    No way you are getting anywhere near these lips until the end of the evening.

  7. Wrong Bra: This could really be anything related to the bra – ill fitting, old, sports bra, etc. We butches care a great deal about this particular part of your bodies, and so we also care a lot about the piece of magical clothing that protects this part of you. Please make sure that it fits you well, is flattering, is not old and gray, and is perhaps a sexy, lacy/satiny/cute cottony type number. You know, not something we would wear.
  8. Never Wearing Heels: Now, I am not a Neanderthal. No, I am an evolved butch, so I am not stupid, and I know that heels are torture devices. They hurt and are not easy to walk in. I get that heels are to be saved for special occasions for many femmes. No problem. But when those special occasions come around, will you please think about wearing them? If not, please wear them at home for us – even just for a short while…

    Image

    How about these?

  9. Too Many Pants: Pants are lovely. Pants are great for evolved women. Pants are practical. Pants can be flattering. Pants are perfect for every day wear. But, we butches would love to see you in a dress or skirt every now and then. Would that be alright?

So, even in pointing out – in a light and fluffy way – some of the shortcomings of a femme, I am left singing their praises. Ahh, the femme.  How about you, dear readers, can you think of any FFPs?

It is very butch to love your femme. Be butch.

About Tristan Higgins, aka Butch Jaxon

I am a butch. This blog is about what I think. If you do not know what butch means, you are probably on the wrong blog. In the interests of inclusion, though, I can tell you that “butch” means a lesbian that is big, strong, tough, more macho, less girly. Of course, there are no hard and fast rules – which is an ongoing theme in my blog (and in the comments), but those are the basics. A butch will most likely not wear makeup. A butch is often referred to as “sir” by someone who is not paying attention. What else? I am, after all, not just a butch. I am happily married to the most amazing woman ever, and the mother of two fantastic kids. I am also a lover of, in no particular order, beer, bowties, breasts, movies, hiking, bookstores, travel, dogs, geocaching, polar bears, the gym, music, gadgets, and more. By day, I am an intrepid corporate entertainment lawyer. Although I try hard not to be labeled as such – sporting a bleached Mohawk, for example. Think more entertainment and less corporate. By night, bring it all on! In my blog, I talk about things from a butch perspective, but this is not just for butches. We all love our femmes. Please do not let me offend femmes, mine in particular! If you like what you read here, I hope you will comment and let me know what you think. If you do not like what you read, well, what the hell do I care? Start your own blog. Be Butch. View all posts by Tristan Higgins, aka Butch Jaxon

8 responses to “The Femme Faux Pas

  • Fabulous Mommy

    That is a mighty list of responsibility Butch.

    Is it not a butch’s job to supply said lacy/satiny/cottony undergarments and matching panties? Surely greying, ill fitting and down right sorry bras paired with granny panties shows a definite lack of lingerie gifting? This surely qualifies as a butch-fail rather than a FFP?

    Every butch needs their “marbles polished” occasionally and every good femme knows this. I find whispering “you’re so strong, so butch, so handsome, grrrr!” turns my dear wife into a gibbering mess. With great power comes great responsibility.

    I agree with the pre-lipstick kiss.

    Butch, a femme on very special occasions will not carry anything more than the tiniest clutch bag. This indicates to their butch “look, I have nothing more than my lipgloss, I am at your complete mercy as I don’t have money or even a drivers licence. I am completely at ease in trusting you to look after me tonight and I have relinquished the burden of being a self-sufficient, self-reliant woman to you for a while.” Most femmes carry a purse 99% of the time, being purseless is the exception.

    I tie my wife’s ties. It makes me feel like a full-service wife. I have never had the occasion to tie a bow-tie and as such am impressed by your skills.

  • Kelly

    Hey Butch!

    You knocked this one out of the park!

    I must agree that Femmes don’t fail at anything. I am constantly captivated by my Femme doing everyday tasks, she is just THAT SEXY to me. Here are a few more FFPs:

    1. Whenever possible, always let your Butch rub the sunscreen onto your body. I swear my hands were made for this.

    2. Love your Butches biceps as much as she does….or maybe more.

    3. If your Butch rides a motorcycle, go for a ride with her now & then. What Butch doesn’t like to be straddled from behind by her Femme….on a motorcycle….

  • prettylittlethings

    My soft butch is unimpressed by my stash of very sexy lingerie… I have a variety… classic sexy-pornstar sexy just trying to find something she has the :O response to. I’ve never had this problem before. over all she says… “a t shirt is cheaper why do you bother?” I look hot in this stuff why doesn’t she like it? (How can I be sure you ask? the gay man/lez bff poll lol) Any tips on how to grab my conservative butches attention?
    sincerely seeking your butchy advice ;)

  • ihavenoillusions

    This made me laugh out loud at work. I rarely comment on blogs but in this case, I had to.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

pinkroziz

Always A Story...

softlybutch

4 out of 5 dentists recommend this WordPress.com site

Dear Butch, ... Love, Femme

a little sound advice from one side of the spectrum to the other

A Femme in NYC

Adventures & Misadventures of a Butch/Stone Butch Loving Spaniard

Femme Fairy Godmother

What your mama should've told you

Javon Monét

Thus Spoke A Lipstick Lesbian.

kittysveiw

Thoughts from a femme...

A Boy and Her Dog

Traversing the Border between Butch and Transgender

Taking Sense Away

Confessions of a Former TSA Screener. Views and opinions do not necessarily represent those of the TSA. Obviously.

Sudden Awareness

It's like I just awoke to find myself living someone else's life

Notes From A Spare Mind

one of those bloggy type things

P J Perryman Books

Sparkly Knickers

ButchOnTap

Be butch.

Dapper, Irish & Butch

Dapper- it's a state of mind.

singlequeergrrl

single. queer. grrl.

Live simply, travel lightly, love passionately & don't forget to breathe

I choose to collect memories instead of things. " To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, to draw closer, to find each other and to feel. That is the purpose of 'Life' "

Stories from life

cisgender, unlearning oppression, transgender, resistance, butch, femme, gendered space, women, women and police, women and hospitals, women and transphobia, genderism, transphobia, sexism, allies, coming out, gendered spaces, women and welfare, solidarity, barbara findlay, washrooms, women and psychiatry, still sane

Butch Ramblings

“I’m not wandering aimlessly, I am experiencing endlessly.”

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,180 other followers

%d bloggers like this: