Just Me

My gorgeous fiancée is no longer my fiancée. We decided to split up about 3 months ago. Now, I am just me (and my kids, and my family, and my friends, but you get what I mean).

I am trying to take a light (but broken) hearted approach to sharing this with you. After all, I write a blog that is usually funny and light. Sometimes sarcastic, but not gut-wrenching. Y’all don’t come see me to read about how miserable I am and how hard life is, right? I get it and I like that. It’s hard to be light and funny though, when your heart is healing. Hence the long delay in sharing this with you, and honestly, fewer posts. I try to be honest in what I write about and I didn’t want to share this, so I just shared less. I am in a much better place now, so it’s a bit easier to disclose. Still, I’m afraid that I don’t have much funny to say on the topic of my healing heart.

I won’t share any of the details – except to say that we love each other a lot and are committed to being friends. So far, so good. For my tips on how to handle a yourself in times like these, see A Butch’s Guide to Remaining Sane During a Break Up. I wrote that smack in the middle of it all. Some of you may have guessed, but were too kind to ask…

So, now it’s just me. I am “single.” My goodness that word entails a lot, doesn’t it? It’s even a little scary. Will I be an outcast from my coupled-friends? Does it make me pathetic and sad? Will I have to carry around a little sign that says “Please be nice to me, I am single?” I certainly hope not. And, it has been a very long time since I was single – 22 years. Wow, that makes me feel old.

The bottom line is that my gorgeous fiancée is still gorgeous, but she is no longer my fiancée.  Indeed, she is no longer “mine” – as much as anyone can ever be someone else’s. I’m still here, though. Sifting through the feelings that I have. Being reminded that life includes sadness and hurt, and that one should embrace these parts of life, learn from them, and then move through them in time.

You won’t hear any macho rhetoric from me about how tough I am, how it didn’t (and doesn’t still) hurt, how I am better off without her, or any of those feeling-denying statements. My heart and I are healing. Time being required – and whatever other slogan you can think of that is supposed to make one feel better. I felt that you needed to know because she has all but disappeared from my posts and sooner or later someone would notice and ask me.

I am a butch without a femme. Superman without Lois Lane. Batman without Robin. James Bond without whichever hot actress stars in each movie. Wow, I must think a lot of myself to compare myself to superheroes and Bond. I wish! How about, peanut butter without the jelly? Chips without the salsa? Salt without the Peppa? (What a loss that was to music.) As many of you know, she inspired many a post. I hope I can still think of funny things to write about now that it is just me…

It’s butch to be single. Right? Be butch.

About Tristan Higgins, aka Butch Jaxon

I am a butch. This blog is about what I think. If you do not know what butch means, you are probably on the wrong blog. In the interests of inclusion, though, I can tell you that “butch” means a lesbian that is big, strong, tough, more macho, less girly. Of course, there are no hard and fast rules – which is an ongoing theme in my blog (and in the comments), but those are the basics. A butch will most likely not wear makeup. A butch is often referred to as “sir” by someone who is not paying attention. What else? I am, after all, not just a butch. I am happily married to the most amazing woman ever, and the mother of two fantastic kids. I am also a lover of, in no particular order, beer, bowties, breasts, movies, hiking, bookstores, travel, dogs, geocaching, polar bears, the gym, music, gadgets, and more. By day, I am an intrepid corporate entertainment lawyer. Although I try hard not to be labeled as such – sporting a bleached Mohawk, for example. Think more entertainment and less corporate. By night, bring it all on! In my blog, I talk about things from a butch perspective, but this is not just for butches. We all love our femmes. Please do not let me offend femmes, mine in particular! If you like what you read here, I hope you will comment and let me know what you think. If you do not like what you read, well, what the hell do I care? Start your own blog. Be Butch. View all posts by Tristan Higgins, aka Butch Jaxon

24 responses to “Just Me

  • Amber

    What a bitter lump in your throat to swallow, and a brave thing to do to post this. For those like me who just come to read your funny, light posts, for single femmes like me who have (and still are) dealing with their own hurt(s), wondering if they’ll ever find someone to stay, a post like this that comes out of nowhere, has its own lightness in that it lightens the burden of experiencing that loss and loneliness alone. It helps to know you’re not the only one going through some hurt. Posts like this shed some light on those whose hearts may be darkened, bruised a little. So, this post, too, is light, in many ways and meanings. Thanks for it.

  • GlitterGirl

    I’m so sorry to hear that you are grieving your relationship. I know it’s challenging to find your way as a single person again, no matter what the reasons for the breakup. I actually read your blog for a lot of reasons: I like your candor, your strength, your humor, and your writing style. I like the way that you can paint pictures of the way that you see the world. I appreciate the emotional honesty you’ve shared in this post, because I think as a society we too often expect people to deny hurt and pain and sadness and soldier on. (((Hugs))) as you work your way through the changes in your life.

  • Sheila Gilhooly

    Some things just aren’t funny, break-ups being one of them. But your ‘perspective’ continues to be ironic and refreshing and , most important, butch..as for my sympathies..absolutely..i liked Glitter Girl’s comment,,what she said..
    butch hugs all around

  • Fabulous Mommy

    Oh Butch, I’m so sorry. Sending huge big cyber hugs.

    It sound like things have been relatively amicable, good for you. Breaking up is never easy and I hope you both manage to heal and move on.

  • Bejai

    Your Butchness
    If someone as together as you can fail and still find hope and humor in life then there is a future for us all! Most of us hesitate to be as open and frank as you are; so knowing that you are still out there doing what you do is encouraging! Sorry it did not work out for you and your lady but you both deserve to be happy.

  • OneSadKitty

    It’s butch to share your pain. Sending lots of magic femme healing energy to you.

  • Kelly

    Butch,

    So sorry to hear the news. Hats off to you, Dude, for your courage in posting this. Yes you usually make us laugh, but even moreso you are real, you let your humanity shine through. It’s Butch to do so. This is a very real post. Talking about the pain will help. The bruises will heal. At their own pace. Butch hugs to you, bro, and maybe even some arm wrestling….

  • Rita Melaniphy

    My Dear Butch…I know how you feel :( It is extremely difficult to digest this sad news, even though I don’t know you very well, meeting you guys on the Mediterranean Cruise, I thought you were the perfect couple. And from your blogs you sound like a Fantastic Parent !!!! Wishing you Happy Thanksgiving in spite of the transition to Single. I am Thankful that I had the opportunity to meet you!!! Looking forward to hearing about the next chapter for you the Single Super Hero……Sincerely, Femme Rita

    ________________________________

    • Butch Jaxon

      Rita, I appreciate your sweet comment. I am glad to have met you, too! “Single Super Hero” – there is something to that. I’ll have to think on that one a bit. Able to eat dinner out alone? Can save single femmes from drinking a bad beer with a single look? Stay tuned… =:o) Butch

  • Dr. Wise

    Beautifully written! Sending you tons of love, support, and strength. And yes… You are a super hero in my eyes!! Keep em coming I love what you post!!

  • JV

    It breaks my heart to read this and what you are going through… I’m so sorry.. and I’m sure that you are tired of hearing that too… but it said (typed) with honesty… just like your blogs, which I am such a fan of…. I owe you many a hug after all this time of not seeing you.. but now I owe you an extra one too… xo.. -JV

  • butchwonders

    Dude, that just plain sucks. Yeah, things will work out well and you’ll be stronger for it and you’re going to meet someone awesome. But for now, it just effing sucks. I’ll be thinking of you and sending you plenty of butch hugs and fistbumps. BW P.S. And if you think we might live close to each other (I have no idea where you live) and want to grab a beer, email me and we’ll do it.

  • WWG

    *hugs* I’m so sorry to hear that Butch. As someone who is perpetually single, might I say there are lots of upsides to being single, and I hope you do find and come to enjoy them eventually. In the meantime, grieve as much as you need to and feel free to share your the not so lighthearted parts of this. If your readers expect only the bright and light from you and revolt against the darker sides, well then, they weren’t very good or realistic readers to start with. Life has many shades after all.

    • Butch Jaxon

      WWG, thank you for your insight and encouragement. Life does indeed have many shades. I think I’m going to like this shade. I know it won’t be perfect, but I think mostly it is going to suit me.

      Butch

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