In trying to keep up with the times, I have been forced to purchase a pair of skinny jeans. For any of you who are not familiar with the skinny jean, it is a tightly tailored or fitted jean that tapers dramatically at the ankle. This is the kind of jean that you tuck into your boots to show off that boot fetish that you might have.

It seems like a woman’s thing, because the pants are so tight. But I have seen plenty of men sporting the skinny jean. Well, not plenty, and they are all on television and magazine pages, but you get it. Men like Usher, the guys from Train, Russell Brand, the Jonas Brothers. My gorgeous fiancé assures me, however, that they are not just for rock stars, femmes, and comedians. They are for butches, too.

So, she just gave me an awesome pair of stylish combat boots as an early Mother’s Day gift, and I was intrigued by wanting to show them off. The fact that I wanted combat boots for Mother’s Day is further proof that I am a butch; the fact that my fiancé gave them to me is proof that I am one lucky S.O.B. Unless I intend to wear my new boots with shorts or, gasp, a skirt (no way in hell), it is time to consider a skinny jean to show off these cool boots. What to do, what to do? Off to The Gap.

I tried on a variety of their skinny offerings. Warning: they are not true to size, for all you butches and dudes out there wearing baggy, relaxed, or loose fit jeans. As it turns out, you will need to go up a size to sport the skinny jean. After some funny poses and maneuvers in the fitting room, I found a pair that seemed to fit. My fiancé assures me that they look good on me, and are flattering. And my boots look tough, badass, and all-around awesome.  (These are the actual boots in the photo.)

Trouble is…they are very uncomfortable. I mean, really. I wore them and sat on a stool. If I leaned back in the stool, I had to fight to keep from sliding off the stool. No matter how I sat, I had to worry about my ass hanging out the top. Crack is whack, right?  The skinny jean is so taught and tight, that it turns my body into a sort of stiff board – at least on the bottom. So, that’s fun, trying to keep from sliding off the stool or chair.  And, there is no room for adjusting or shifting. Honestly, I don’t know how you boys do it. I don’t have to worry about “adjusting” like you do, but even us butches occasionally get a wedgie. Just go commando to save yourself the trouble.

Plus, you know those pockets that I am so fond of? The ones that I like to use to carry everything I need – and my girl’s stuff? Yeah, well you can forget about them in the skinny jean. They exist, but what’s the point if the jeans are too tight to actually use the pockets? I made my wallet work, because, well…it’s my wallet, and I have to have it.  My lip stuff? Too weird in my front pocket. And my iPhone? I had to take the case off of it to fit it in my pocket.

Wearing my new skinny jeans would have to be this butch’s first experience with form over function. Fashion over any kind of utility. Much love and props to you girls for handling all this and looking so great for us butches and dudes!

Worn right (with combat boots, no ass crack), skinny jeans are butch. Be butch.