Tonight, while my wife was packing, she asked me to fix her nice Swarovski crystal earrings for her. There was a moment after she asked me – before I said yes – where she doubted my abilities. At least that’s what I thought when she said, “I guess I can do it.”
“What do you mean?” I asked while my own insecurities ran wild. Does she think I am not capable of lining up the jewel properly? Does she think I don’t have the needed super glue skills? Oh, I can super glue the hell out of that little earring. My wife confirmed that she did indeed believe I could so it and that I “would do a fine job of it.” Who knows why she hesitated?
The super glue is in the hall closet, she said. Right, let’s do this. So, off I went to gather the magical super glue. Next to the fresh tube was a heavy duty repair glue. I pondered the merits of each for a moment and then decided the tiny nozzle of the super glue tube was much preferable to the toothpaste-sized hole on the epoxy.
I should have known something was amiss when I could not close the closet door. My kitten, who is a master of all things adorable and infuriating had snuck inside, you see. And as I was trying to press the door closed, I was actually squishing her between the ironing board and the organic, tree-free toilet paper. Luckily, I realized this before any harm was done to the dear little one. I literally had to skooch her out of the way of the door. Apparently, she is more adorable than brilliant.
Super glue in hand, I trot back to the bedroom and have a seat on the bed. I snap the lid onto the super glue and screw it into place. Then I grab the earring base and hold it in my left hand. I carefully put the nozzle of the super glue into the divot of the earring where the jewel is meant to sit. My goal is to put a few drops into the divot – not so many that it will overflow onto the edge of the jewel, but not so few that the jewel can’t get purchase on it. And, this is where everything goes pear-shaped. The glue actually explodes out of the nozzle, drenching my hand with fluid. I try to move the earring to my right hand before it becomes a permanent fixture on me, but that is a muddled attempt at best. Now the earring is stuck to my right index finger pad and my left hand is starting to harden.
Oh my god. I actually do not have the needed super glue skills. I felt like Ralphie from A Christmas Story. He is desperate to get a Red Rider BB gun for Christmas but everyone says that he will shoot his eye out – even Santa. His father – unbeknownst to his mother – gives him the BB gun. Straight away, he runs outside to shoot imaginary bandits and wouldn’t you know it? He shoots his eye out on the first shot. Glasses broken, eye cut, he goes back inside to get his mom’s loving touch.
Similarly, I ask my wife for help. “Baby, I can’t get the earring off my finger!”
“Are you serious?” she exclaims.
“Help me! It’s not my fault. The glue exploded.”
As she is removing the earring from my finger, she asks, “Why are you using that dollar tree glue on my nice earring?”
“You just told me to use that glue!” My wife looks at my hand and the sheer volume of super glue on my skin concerns her. I better google it and make sure I don’t need to go to the ER, she says. Come on! That’s crazy. But I google anyway. Not about the dangers of super glue exposure, but about how to get it off.
There are many methods to remove super glue from skin and all but one that I found involve rubbing some substance on the affected area until the glue begins to peel.
1. Petroleum Jelly. I tried this first. It felt good, but didn’t seem to do much.
2. Acetone nail polish remover. I tried this next. Pad after pad, I rubbed the caustic liquid all over the gluey areas. Apart from one area between my fourth and fifth fingers, there was no improvement.
3. WD-40 or vegetable oil. Smells bad. Hard to wash off and didn’t do the trick.
4. Hand lotion. Seriously? If the other substances didn’t work, how can this one? Pass.
5. Nail File. My wife suggested this and says it works for her. The idea of scraping a rough file across the skin of my tender digits seemed like a very painful approach. For now, I decided to skip this one.
Several hours later, this is what my hand looks like.
It feels like I dipped my hand into some combination of slime or drool from Alien and the Predator and then was covered in bits of ice and glass by Elsa from Frozen. Yeah, it feels awesome, and my wounded pride isn’t helping. Depending on how long it feels like this, I may grab a nail file yet.
My wife later admitted that she did question my ability to do it. That was the original hesitation I had noted. I was right! I cannot believe she didn’t think I could do it… I have fixed, built and repaired way more complicated stuff than this earring. But then again, the evidence says otherwise. She still has a broken earring and I have a Predator, Alien and Elsa inflicted hand.
Eyeroll. I totally shot my eye out!
While it may be Butch to glue your fingers together, don’t. Be Butch.