What to do if your teen comes out as non-binary

This is a guest post from Andy Earle. Andy Earle is a researcher who studies parent-teen communication and adolescent risk behaviors. He is the co-founder of talkingtoteens.com, ghostwriter at WriteItGreat.com, and host of the Talking to Teens podcast, a free weekly talk show for parents of teenagers. Take it away, Andy!

Parenting is already a tough gig. But if you’re unprepared for your teen to come out as non-binary, it will get exponentially harder. Not understanding what it means for your teen to be non-binary, or how to deal with it, can seriously hurt the relationship between you and your teen.

I’m here to make sure this doesn’t happen. In this article, I hope to appease any fears, worries, and questions you might have as the parent of a non-binary teen. I even recommend some strategies to deal with obstacles non-binary teenagers and parents regularly face. 

To start, what is non-binary?

It’s important for you to know that your teenager coming out to you as non-binary isn’t an event for panic, and certainly not a signal that something is “wrong” with them. It’s actually a sign of trust, and presents an opportunity for the two of you to grow closer. The key to this is to understand what it actually means to be non-binary.

Of all the vocabulary related to the LGBTQ community, the most important one for you to understand in this situation is the word gender (although it’s not a bad idea to familiarize yourself with some other terms).

Simply put, a person’s gender is how they feel they fit into the two basic categories of “man and “woman.” It’s not the same assex, which refers to a person’s biological sex (male or female). Gender dictates everything from the way a person dresses, the name they go by, the activities they participate in, and what pronouns they use. To show the difference between gender and sex, imagine Patricia, who identifies as a man. Biologically, Patricia is female (sex). But she identifies as a man (gender) by asking to be called “he” instead of her,” wearing men’s clothes, and going by the name Patrick. There are many ways a person can represent their gender, but these are some of the most basic.

So what does it mean for your teen to be non-binary? In essence, it means they don’t fit into either of the “man” or “woman” gender categories.

It doesn’t mean they are trans (a transgender person’s gender identity does not fit their assigned biological sex), and has nothing to do with who they are attracted to (their sexual orientation). It does mean they may want to dress differently, go by a different name, or change their preferred pronouns to “they” and “them.”

Could they just be confused?

Most likely not. Despite gender being a complex topic, research indicates that humans already begin forming their gender identities around age 3, and non-binary people have existed throughout all of history. Discounting your teen’s non-binary identity may cause them to feel cut off from you and like they can’t talk to you about important identity issues. This can cause a rift between you and your teen, which may even lead to your teen developing mental illnesses like depression and anxiety. It’s important for you to believe your teen’s identity and keep avenues of communication open.

It’s also vital to understand that being non-binary is not a signal of mental illness or mental illness in itself. However, non-binary people (along with other sexual and gender minorities) are more prone to mental illness due to instances of isolation and discrimination by non-accpeting members society. This is why it’s so important for your teen to feel comfortable sharing with you as a parent. If your teen conceals these emotions of stress and discomfort, they are more likely to develop issues like engaging in risky behaviors. It is essential that your teenager feels secure, listened to, and supported by you, and that they can look to you for communication and help.

What to do as a parent

Gender, apart from being complicated, is also incredibly personal. Everybody deals with their own gender identity individually – including your teen. It’s not your job to help them “decide” on a gender or to make a show of their non-conformity. It’s your teen’s journey, and you should be there to guide and support them. 

As I mentioned earlier, it’s very important that your teen feels relaxed talking to you about being non-binary. Talking about issues like sex and gender can be difficult, especially if you’re confused about something like being non-binary. With this in mind, I’ve written out a sample of something you might want to lead with when confronting your teen:

“Hey, Chrissy. I really appreciate you telling me that you’re non-binary instead of trying to hide it from me. That must have been scary for you, and I value your trust. I believe you, because you know yourself better than anyone else. But would you mind helping me understand what non-binary is? I don’t want to seem ignorant or old fashioned, but I’d love to hear what it means from you so that I know how to be supportive through this.”

There are no guarantees on how a conversation with your teen might go, but beginning by stating that you want to understand your teen and want their help gives your teen a chance to open up to you. Hard conversations like this, when done correctly, can help establish that avenue of communication that’s so important between you and your teen. It will help build the atmosphere of support and trust your non-binary teen needs. 

A few more things

It’s sadly true that society isn’t always accepting of non-binary people. As someone who identifies as non-binary, your teen may face bullying, discrimination, and various other moments of anomie. You may also find yourself in awkward positions as the parent of a non-binary teen. But there are ways to avoid these situations, as well as strategies to navigate them.

If your teen gives their approval, you can notify their teachers and administrators of their non-binary identity. Having school staff involved can help curb potential incidents at school and help your teen feel safer and accepted even when they aren’t at home. You can also look for TGNC (transgender and non-conforming)- friendly organizations that cater to non-binary people, or look for other kinds of LGBTQ groups for your teen to join.

If your teen is having trouble due to their gender identity, you may consider seeking out a gender counselor for help. They specialize in assisting people along in their journeys with gender, and can provide useful techniques for coping with the harsher realities of being non-binary. 

It’s good to remember that today’s world is increasingly progressive. This means there has never been a more acceptable time to be non-binary. But, even with all the resources and support networks available, it’s impossible for any parent to make their teen’s life perfect. Rather than become overprotective of your teen, I suggest you allow your child to face the challenges that come with being non-binary. With you as a supportive and loving caregiver, not only will they come out on top confident in their gender identity, but they’ll know who to thank.