Attention all butches and straight guys! This is a public service announcement for Valentine’s Day. What’s that, you say? It’s over two weeks away? More than 14 days? No need to worry about that yet. You have plenty of time. WRONG!
Please allow me to give you some advice. Let me offer some tidbits I have learned while loving a femme. You need to get ready. NOW. Not 14 days from now, because your girl will know. How will she know? I don’t know, but trust me they ALWAYS know. And you will feel the full wrath of your girl if you do not prepare.
Do not tell me that she is the kind of woman who doesn’t care about Valentine’s Day. It is simply not true. I know, I know; you may have heard one of these things coming from her lips:
1. I don’t care about Valentine’s Day
2. I don’t need anything special
3. I don’t want you to go to any trouble
4. I don’t want you to spend too much money
5. It’s just a stupid Hallmark holiday
6. Flowers are a waste of money; they just die
7. I don’t need any more jewelry
8. Who needs chocolate and teddy bears
WARNING! These are lies. All lies. Every single one of them. Do not believe her! Why does she say these things if she doesn’t mean them? Well, apart from her being a woman, you 
mean? I don’t know. Why do women say most of what they say? It could be that she is trying to convince herself of any one of these statements. Perhaps she knows from past experience that you will let her down and she is preparing herself to lessen the blow when another Valentine’s Day comes and goes and she is left with a meaningless card and a lame little teddy bear from 7-11. Whatever the reason, ignore her.
Hopefully, I have convinced you that you must do something – that you must decide on a plan of action and put it in play now. If so, you may be thinking, “ButchonTap, what should I do?” Let me tell you, my friend. The bad news is that there is not one size that fits all women. The good news is there are lots of great options and they can be divided into 7 easy-to-understand categories. Fit it into one of these, and you will be golden. Note that only a couple are expensive; at least four of these can be affordable, so not being loaded is no excuse to neglect your honey on Valentine’s Day. Unless you want to be neglected, that is.
1. Thoughtful. Think mushy. Put together a collage of ticket stubs from shows you’ve been to together, throw in a matchbook from a place you ate at that she loved. What’s that you say? It looks like crap? Doesn’t matter. Gather a bunch of papers and little mementos from your life together this past year, glue it on construction paper around a picture of the two of you and she will positively swoon. You’ll see.
2. Hard. Intricate or detailed works, too. Create a scavenger hunt to take her to all of your favorite couple’s spots around town. Recreate the first date you had. 
Take her to the same restaurant with the same walk on the beach. Or, order in the same food, and rent the movie you saw on that first date or the day you asked her to marry you. Take the time to set the table. It is crazy how much women love a set table. If you drop a few candy hearts or flower petals on the table, watch out! Find that special kind of cookie/champagne/cheese/liverwurst (if she loves it, who cares what it is?) that you had on your honeymoon/first date/trip to Sweden, and order it online. You need time for this to be delivered. This will tell her: a) you pay attention enough to know she likes ____, b) you took the time to order it especially for her, and c) you love her enough to plan ahead. Yes, planning = love. Do not try to make too much sense out of it, just trust me.
3. Expensive. Buy her something amazing – something she wants. Diamonds. Silver. Pearls. Think Nicole Kidman from Moulin 
Rouge and you will be on the right track. Please, please, please do NOT buy her expensive lingerie from La Perla – unless she has asked for this. That gift, though expensive, is for you. How happy would you be, butches and straight guys, if your girl gave you a present and you opened it to find sexy lingerie that she would wear for you? Right? So that’s not your gift to her. Think jewelry, a trip somewhere, perfume, shoes, a nice bag – all good choices. Clothes: do not buy clothes. Unless she tells you EXACTLY what to get, you run the risk of buying something she hates, or buying her the wrong size. You really cannot win here. Too small? “What the hell makes you think I can fit into that? If you’re looking for a woman this skinny, why are you with me?” Too big? “Just exactly how fat do you think I am?” Or for either, the worst is, “You don’t know me at all!” No, no clothes.
4. Flashy or Showy. This is where flowers fall – at least if you have them sent to her work. Remember that one of the best things about Valentine’s Day is being 
able to show off your butch or guy. Flowers at work say to all of her coworkers, “I have someone who loves me enough to send me flowers.” Translation, my butch is better than yours. Send a giant bouquet of flowers to her office so she can show you off. Roses are great if she likes them, but they are really expensive this time of year, so if she loves another flower, send those. It will look creative and save you some cash. Do not leave the card up to the college kid at the flower shop. Put something on there that will make her smile or show her you love her. Don’t worry about the college kid writing it down. He isn’t trying to keep your woman happy, so who cares what he thinks?
5. The Event. Drinks. Dinner. A club (even dancing, gasp!). A movie, museum, or exhibit that she has been looking forward to seeing. Note that you can earn 
extra points and make her feel extra special by doing something that you do not want to do. Think indie film, chick flick, an exhibit on purses throughout the ages, a flower show … you get the idea. Or, by getting you into somewhere that is difficult – the “it” restaurant or club. Plan ahead and get a table. Remember, planning = love.
6. Manual Labor. Yes, that’s right. Along the lines of “The Event” category, do some things for her that you hate to do. Do the dishes, put away the laundry, clean the house – all before she gets home from work. Tell her that you are taking her car that morning and go have it serviced and detailed for her. There are probably a slew of things that your woman would be ecstatic about if you did them for her. This does not mean that you can do something dude-like that you should already have been doing and call it a Valentine’s Day present. Do not unload the dishwasher or clear the table, or for guys, put down the toilet seat, and announce that as your gift. Poof! Now you’re single.
7. Pampering. Think manicures, pedicures and massages. Give her a gift certificate to the spa for the day. Or… paint her toenails yourself. I promise that if you rub her feet and then do this for her, she will melt. Also, a massage is fool-proof. Tell her that her gift is a massage, and that you do not expect one in return. Then go all out. Light candles, turn on music, and give the massage. Extra touches are key. Remember, she needs to feel special. The harder it is for you and the more awkward that you feel doing it, the better!
So pick one of these 7 categories – at least one. More than one is platinum. You have to make her feel special. Girls need to know that you thought hard, planned carefully, or spent a lot of time or money on them. No matter which of the above options you choose, you MUST write a card. Do not rely on the pre-printed text alone, even if you think it says exactly what you want to say, only better than you would say it. Sure, the card itself is important, so choose wisely. Stick with romantic or cute – make sure it’s not for your grandmother. But add your own spin to it. Love her eyes? Great, tell her. Love her body? Only tell her that if you add stuff about her heart and mind, too. She doesn’t think purely physical, so neither should you.
Ignore me at your peril. Butches and straight guys: take care of your woman if you want her, and therefore you, to be happy. She might want totally different things than you do, but that’s part of why you love her. A card and little teddy bear from 7-11 says exactly what you do not want to say — I did not have time/love you enough/care enough to do something special for you. Get your act together and show her how much you love her! And, if your woman sent you this post, you better take note, get busy and use this as a checklist.
Me? I made dinner reservations at our favorite restaurant two weeks ago. The other stuff I have to keep quiet because she reads this 🙂
Prove how butch you are by showing her how much you love her. Want to make sure that you do not end up alone on Valentine’s Day? It’s up to you.
Be butch.
Please send this to your father!