This one is long. Grab a beer or coffee before reading. Go ahead, I’ll wait… Welcome back! Ready?

I’ve been single for 4 months, and I’ve been thinking that I might be ready to go out. For a while now, friends have been asking, “Can I set you up?” “Are you ready, Butch?” The answers are maybe and no. Maybe I am ready to be set up on a date. I might be ready to spend some time with someone – and by “spend time with someone” I mean have sex. But, am I ready for a relationship? No. I suppose I could be, but I’ve been trying to be good at being alone; focusing on the pause and clearing out my mind and heart. I’m hoping to be a better me when the next woman strolls into my life. Butch 2.0.

But the questions have been followed by… “What are you looking for?” “What’s the future Mrs. Butch like? Why not write it down?” Ok. I have come up with a pretty good list, but that’s pretty boring. Instead, how about a butch classified ad? What would my ad say? I’m pretty sure this woman doesn’t exist, so there should be no harm in pretending and, er, fantasizing about her. Ahem.



  • Big, tall, and strong. 5’10, close to running back size, but slower. Much slower. Mohawk, bleached blonde. Brown eyes, devilish (I’m told) and alternately confused, puppy dog, or hungry when looking at you. No makeup – other than occasional guyliner. Freckles, lots. Pale without sun. Big, strong hands with callouses from rowing and lifting. Body in progress, but also in its 40s.
  • Smart. Quick on my feet. Hard to argue with but frequently wrong – although I’m irritatingly slow to admit it. [Note: I have plenty of flaws, but I don’t need to point those out in my ad, right?] Good in front of people and crowds. This turns you on. Funny, an embarrassing amount of anecdotes and analogies. Professional, a lawyer. Lots of work obligations, meetings with people, some of whom are attractive and engaging.
  • Stylish. Fashion is key. Think bow ties, skinny ties, knit ties, jackets, flashy dress shirts, cuff links, boots, skinny jeans, and skulls on choice items. Bracelets, earrings, belts, watches, cologne, pedicures, massages. Cargo shorts are for hiking and carrying cargo.
  • Serious about the gym, be-about-it-serious, not talk-about-it-serious. A fanatic about all kinds of theater (I even like opera), especially musicals. You too, but fanaticism not required. Golf, swimming, kayaking, hiking, mountain biking, movies, coffee shops, shopping. Travel to local and exotic places is key. A 5-star resort is OK as long as we sometimes kayak and camp along the river. Mexican food. Craft beer.
  • A devoted mother to two kids who are mostly adorable and wonderful. Although not with them all the time, I am always their mother. Very connected to my parents who are close.
  • Strong, intimidating and tough to the whole world except for you and the kids.


  • Smaller and shorter than me. Small enough for me to pick you up and carry you over puddles…into bed. Curvy. Any color hair is cool, long and full enough to put up in a ponytail and tuck behind your ears. Eyes, full of wonder, joy at the world, depth. Eyes that can see me for who I am and love all you see. Skin, pale, tan, or dark. Make up – please, especially lipstick and sexy eye shadow. Not all the time, but not just special occasions. Body, soft and full in the right places, comfortable and fit, not a freak about food (everyone needs a potato chip now and then) or obtuse about it (kale, what’s that?). Healthy. You turn heads when you walk down the street. I like it. Mid 30s to early 40s.
  • Attitude unguarded and confident. Kind, steady. Patient and balanced. Slow to anger. Quick to forgive. Trusting. Fun, good sense of humor and laugh easily. Good listener. Comfortable in a group and can hold your own. Easy-going, confident. College, I think, but other than that any profession that allows you to support yourself. Veterinarian? Business woman? Adventure guide? Sea World trainer? Ballet dancer? Supportive of me and my career, as I will be of yours.
  • Stylish and put together. Dresses, skirts, lots of dresses. Blouses and necklaces, dangly earrings, rings, accessorize! Heels often enough for me to fuel my fantasies. Jeans, yes, of course. And my dress shirts with nothing on underneath. Yoga attire is appreciated and distracting. Lingerie welcomed as gifts and worn – even under jeans. Sweats are only for the house and exercise. You smell good, your skin alone and your perfume.
  • You like the adventure activities I like, plus? The more the better. Music, you are musical – play something, can sing. Maybe an artist. If you are crafty, that’s something you’ll mostly do alone. You’re good with that. You like beer, or at least tolerate it happily. You like to go out and be with friends or go out with just me often. It’s awesome if you cook. Love of travel and adventure is a must. We’ll try things and explore together. You read a book every now and then. You tolerate my gadget fanaticism. You make me see chick flicks (I will pout), but you’ll see Bond movies and The Hobbit, and anything with explosions, car chases, and sexy women. And occasionally, porn. =:o)
  • No kids for you. Or, maybe you have kids, but no new kids for us together. Maybe you always wanted them but didn’t meet the right woman, were busy in school or the service. Maybe you have kids that are almost grown. You like that I am a mother, like the softness the kids bring out in me. You don’t want to be their mom (no need for another), but you enjoy them and being part of their lives. You understand my kids have another family. You know we must communicate and coordinate. It gives us lots of alone time.
  • Feminine. People sometimes underestimate your strength, but I never will.


  • I don’t want a wife, but I don’t want an exotic dancer either. You take care of me sometimes; you see me as a woman (and I am comfortably a woman) and look forward to expressing that. You don’t initiate often, but you are happy I do. I will initiate a lot. You will almost always say yes.
  • We aren’t threatened by each other’s past – unless you dated Rachel Maddow, Ellen, or kd lang. I might be threatened then. I am in my 40s, there have been significant women in my life. I prefer “history” to “baggage.” You accept that I care about other women, especially my ex.
  • I’ll always be ready before you, but the way you look when you’re ready will make it worth it.
  • I’ll hold your bags and sit on the dude couch while you shop.
  • I’ll bring you flowers and you will swoon over them.
  • I’ll take out the trash/carry the groceries/kill the bugs unless you want to do these things yourself.
  • I’ll carry your bags, but not because you can’t.
  • I’ll be confused sometimes when you explain your feelings, but I’ll try really hard to understand.
  • You’ll find me a special kind of beer I’ve never had and I will swoon.
  • I’ll wear any tie you pick out for me, as long as you wear that dress I bought you.
  • I will carry your lipstick and ID in my ample pockets when we go out and your women’s clothes suck in the pocket department – but excel in the cleavage department.
  • I’ll carry your kayak to the water and you’ll be ok with getting your hair wet.
  • I’ll always open doors for you. Always.
  • We won’t be happy every second, but there will be much more good than bad.
  • You will always see the best in me, and never assume the worst.
  • When you look up at me, I’ll pretend to be strong when I’m melting inside.

If this is you, email me at notachanceinhell@butchisdelusional.com.

I don’t expect to be lucky enough to find this woman. I’ve been looking but haven’t found her yet. If I had, she would still be mine and I’d be writing a thank you note to the Universe instead of a classified ad. To the Universe, I say: “On the off chance that we really do put into the world what we want and it comes to us… please mix up a batch of this impossible-to-exist femme and send her my way. Not tomorrow, or even next week, because I want to be ready. That will be soon.”

And to you, this mystical, amazing femme, I say: “I will be ready for you. And if you do show up, I will never let you go. Ever.”

It’s butch to open yourself up to love again. Be butch.

71 thoughts on “WANTED: FEMME FOR BUTCH

  1. I see some of me in this piece and what I want in a femme. Butch 2.0. I like it. Working on a new version of myself as well. Was a long read but a great piece nonetheless!

    • Big’n’Tall, I feel strongly that working on ourselves is crucial. If we don’t, we will just recreate the past and make the same mistakes over and over.

      As for the length, I told you to go get a beer (*checks watch*) I mean a coffee! Thanks for your comment. =:o)

  2. Hey Butch!

    Well, I have to say, from the perspective of a Femme/Mermaid, what you have written is absolutely GORGEOUS. Kelly and I read it together and we both agree that you just might get what you are asking for. The fact that you opened yourself to write all that you wrote – that alone is a stunning window into your open heart, your witty mind and your gracious and chivalrous Knighthood. .. not too many butches take risks like you do, and wow, we femmes LOVE this – its one of the things that we look for in our butches – the willingness to be vulnerable emotionally while maintaining a sense of self and strength. . . yup, its what separates the butches from the boys, as they say. . .

    Kelly and I DO believe that your mermaid is out there – and maybe even exactly as you dream her. . . keep the faith, keep looking at yourself and we wish you every blessing in love.

    Maya (& Kelly)

    • Maya & Kelly, thank you for your kind words. So nice to hear that what I have written appeals to a mermaid. That is key, I suppose, in case “she” reads this ad. Thank you for the optimism, I will keep dreaming and hoping. And, of course, looking. =:o)

      By the way, hold on to Kelly. She is awesome.

    • Jess, I’m sorry to hear that. Although the twice-your-age part of me would suggest that it wasn’t right for you if you had it and lost it. You know? Also, I’m not sure it’s at all practical or possible for one person to be right for us our whole lives. Who knows? We will see. For now, I’m looking for her.

      Thanks for reading and commenting! =:o)

      • BJ, Most wise comment, imho –
        “Also, I’m not sure it’s at all practical or possible for one person to be right for us our whole lives. Who knows?”

        Before I matured enough to form that belief myself I suffered too much over “losses”. We learn, hopefully, from every love experience we ever have – or else we repeat same – ugh! once enough to learn – make different mistakes next time 😉

  3. Butch
    I’d say “look under the Christmas tree” but if Santa was capable of this level of magic I’d be putting out more than milk and cookies!

  4. May Aphrodite, Astarte, Venus and Inna bless your search. You’re out there seeking; the woman you are calling to yourself is out there seeking in her own way as well; (WE EXIST) May you find a congfluence.

  5. Whew! Good luck! Wonder if I should place such an ad for myself LOL! Femme blogger seeks GQ’d butch who is OK with all our business going online!!
    Oooh the joys that would be *rolling eyes*
    It’s a tough world out there. And even harder to find “the one.” Good luck!! 😉

  6. Oh, come on! Surely that criteria isn’t completely outrageous? I bet there’s a few single femme fatales out there who meet the criteria.
    P.s. I bet you make the blow-job face too while applying the guyliner! Caught in the act!

  7. I’m praying that you find the woman of your dreams, but that you also have lots of fun dates while you’re looking! It helps to be clear with yourself about your expectations, and I don’t think your list is unreasonable. It’s honest communication about how you want your relationship to be and what’s going to work for you.

  8. Howdy matey.Enjoyed reading yr ‘Femme Bucket list’,appreciate yr sharing.Respect and honesty shine bright.Can’t help thinking tho .’why limit yrself bro’…I find it difficult to believe that we can find everything we want in one gorgeous pretty grrl…when there are so many unique,interesting wimmin out there,why do we have to commit to One only…I like the Courting and romance of hyr…anything past that gets too needy and cuts into my personal time where i nurture my creative self..stay independent strong and true blue to yr heart.Be free,and value yr time in yr own space as well …lol..high five bucko,look forward to reading more…regards Aussie Boi

    • Aussie Boi,

      Interesting! I’d love to be a carefree butch, enjoying a variety of femmes. I’ve always been a one-femme-butch, though.

      But, I am committed to dating for awhile before I settle down. Lesbians don’t seem to grasp dating, though, do we? It’s always one date, two date, I’m in love. I don’t really understand why. Maybe we need to justify the sex with strong emotion ? Not me, by the way.

      As much as I’m looking forward to dating, I must confess that if the femme from my ad finds me, she can lock the door and turn out the lights. I won’t be going anywhere.

      Great to have you here, mate! Please keep commenting. =:o)


      • Well, let me first say that I commend you on your chivalry!! It seems to be a lost art form, of sorts, and it’s refreshing to hear that it’s not dead. I find your blog completely refreshing, honest and funny- really, who doesn’t like to laugh, right!? I can appreciate your writing, and correct spelling of words (I won my 3rd grade spelling bee), grammar and use of punctuation. Does it make me slightly nerdy that I find that so appealing? Guess I’m kind of a nerd then.

  9. I loved your ad, it was beautifully written. You are definitely gifted with words, not many of us can move people the way you do. As I was reading your ad I realized that I had most of the qualities you are looking for. Although I am not ready, there are femmes out there that are. Don’t give up on what you want.

    • GG,

      Thank you so much! I am ecstatic that my posts touch you. I am so happy to affect a femme in a positive way. I acknowledge your process and thank you for being wherever you are. Que lastima,

      • Que lastima indeed. You also have many of the qualities that I will be looking for in a butch when I am ready. Maybe our paths will cross when that day comes but if they don’t, I am glad I read your ad because it gave me hope that there are butches out there that have what I am looking for. I hope you find all of the love and happiness that you deserve. 🙂

  10. I loved your ad and I loved how laid bare it was. You have many of the wonderful qualities I seek (and I am happy to see actually exist!). But not just that, I see some of the qualities you find desirable in another in myself and that touched me because for so long I have felt such qualities are not desirable in this ‘world’. You give me hope that one day I might not have to continue to spend my life completely alone. Thank you.
    By putting you wishes out into the universe I wouldn’t be surprised if she answers them at some point soon…

  11. BJ, I found this blog touching on so many levels!
    One thing I love about your writing is your openness and confidence in being yourself..
    I am a firm believer in putting out to the Universe what we want – and I believe as long as we are improving ourselves and becoming better people in all the important ways, the Universe will respond favorably.
    Usually I ask the Highest and greatest Good be done, ’cause I tend to get a bit self-centered and unclear what that might be – ’cause i’m very human.
    Meanwhile enjoy dating – why the rush for marriage? Truly you will know when the woman is the “right” one for you and the time is “right”.
    Both you and the other Mrs will be very lucky women!

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