The Butchest Movies of All Time

Purely for fun, I’d like to do a series of lists of the “butchest” whatever. Movies, bands, tv shows, books, paintings, cars, sports, tools, beers, etc. This is super scientific, of course, and if you don’t like the things on these lists, then you aren’t butch. For example, if you don’t particularly like Jaws, and you adore musicals (cough), then you can’t be butch.

I mean – we know that’s lame right? So let’s have some fun. My favorite movie is Moulin Rouge, by the way, so I don’t know that I speak for the butch community, but while I have the mic…

1. The Godfather – Clearly this is the butchest movie of all time. Right? You are either part of the family (butch-femme) or not. Go to the mattresses. Horse head in the bed? Really? I note that it’s not on my list of favorites, but I’m pretty sure it tops the butchest list.

2. Terminator – Every butch reading this must admit Arnold was the quintessential badass in that movie. How about walking down the hallway and pulling that shotgun out of the box of roses and the crushing them under those rad biker boots we all own or wish we did? And let’s not even talk about Linda Hamilton’s arms and shoulders in the second one. Want!

3. Ace Ventura, Pet Detective – This is one of the best comedies of all time. You can disagree with me, that’s cool. I’ll be over here watching the funniest actor ever doing crazy stuff, rescuing animals, and oh yeah…sleeping with Courtney Cox. And, you’ll have to forgive me while I recite every line. Loser.

4. Batman – Any of them. A billionaire playboy vigilante with the absolutely coolest toys of all time? Body armor with nipples? Everything is all black? When he’s not in his body armor, its almost always a gorgeous tux and bow tie. Yes please. Plus, there’s always gobs of super models around him. I so want to be Batman, even if it means getting chased by Heath Ledger’s Joker (much scarier than Jack’s).

5. High Noon – For my dad. I dare you to prove me wrong. Cowboys, honor, dirt, gangs of ruffians. Me and my dad will be ready for you over at the OK Corral. Come say it to our faces.

6. Bad Boys – You know you are singing the theme song right now. Cops, Miami, chase scenes, explosions. Still not convinced? Two words: Tia Leoni. Drop the mic.

7. Jaws – Now, I know you are all, “Butch, don’t be a size queen, we don’t need a bigger boat.” Yes, yes we do. We always need a bigger boat! Good rule of thumb, your boat should be at least twice the size of whatever you are hunting – or whatever is hunting you. Same thing for Orca. And how many times have you compared scars with another butch – preferably when your girl is present?

8. Alien – Sigourney Weaver in a muscle tank beating the crap out of the mama alien in that industrial robot contraption. How about when they are face to nasty-scary-double-jaw? Come on! Plus, she is all dirty and messed up. Honorable mention here to Helen Hunt in Twister for the same dirty t-shirt situation (plus hers is wet). Sigh.

9. Silence of the Lambs – How ridiculous is our girl Jodie Foster in this movie? Get it! I can barely watch this movie, it’s so scary. I yell at the TV, don’t go in the house, Jodie! Wait for SWAT! She’s too butch to listen.

Special Note for All Scary Movies: Do not forget the protection factor. This is the scientific formula whereby your girl will squish more and more into you the scarier or weirder the movie gets. I don’t like scary movies, but the squishing, accompanied by my arm draped around her and a comforting squeeze (“I’ve got you, baby”) can make it worth it. Am I right? She doesn’t have to know I’m closing my eyes.

10. Anything Starring Angelina Jolie – Just because. Preferably when she’s got a gun and is kicking ass, ala TombRaider, Gone in 60 Seconds, or Salt. But Gia works, too.

Some suggestions from my Butches:

11. Fight Club – First rule of Fight Club, it’s super butch. I haven’t seen it (gasp), so I’ll take my butches’ word for it.

12. GI Jane – Femmes playing butch are super hot. Has there ever been a better example of this than Demi in cammos, with a shaved head, getting ripped and kicking ass? I think not.

13. Set It Off – Queen Latifah plays a lesbian. Apparently, there’s a good sex scene. Haven’t seen this. Yet. Or if I have (vaguely recall it), then I guess I disagree.

14. Steel Magnolias – what can I say? Butches are complicated and multi-layered. I don’t agree, but several butch bros were all about this one. It’s a great movie and I know a lot of lines, but I say chick flick.

15. Bound – Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly. Swoon. Both of them are crazy hot, but together? In a mafia type drama? Come on!

Anything missing? It’s butch to participate in silly, arbitrary lists of things that are the “butchest” and to use the word “silly.” Be Butch.

19 thoughts on “The Butchest Movies of All Time

  1. Would it be possible for someone like Meg Ryan or Jennifer Anniston to be butch?? Certainly butchier, but really butch? Just old lady curious since Demi Moore made the list.

  2. Hey Butch!

    What fun to read this morning! Not sure what made me laugh more: your post or you and Bejai! In the name of silliness, I will offer: Thor. He is Badass and chivalrous. Moulin rouge? We can’t be friends ( I pretty much hate all musicals). FIGHT CLUB…YES YES YES. Ace Ventura….um, no comment. Not familiar with Bad boys. Guess I lose a butch point. Haven’t seen TombRaider….how many butch points do I lose for that? 😉
    Great list overall though! While I agree we butches are complicated, steel magnolias wouldn’t be on my list.

    Thanks for the laugh!

  3. Hmmm. . . well, I agree that FIGHT CLUB has to be pretty close to TOP of the butch films list. (But do I get to vote? Im a Femme! Ok, FIGHT CLUB is top of almost ANY list). And nothing quite tops (pun not intended but now that I wrote it, um, yeah. ..) GI Jane for a number of reasons – hey, don’t we all have an inner GI Jane in us, just waiting for something super bad to come along and give us the no-other-option than to get our Badass on and bust up their f’n faces for the good of womynkind??!

    So, as for other lists, how about
    Butchest Jobs
    Butchest Cars
    Butchest Games
    Butchest Fairy Tales (um, unless that is an oxymoron? Gimme a break, I’m a Femme!)

    Anyway, I liked this post. Made me giggle, which is always good. Thanks as always.

  4. Well, that is quite an eclectic list and I’m glad “silly” can be Butch and arbitrary acceptable. I’m thinking Helen Mirren as Jane Tennison in the Brithish TV series Prime Suspect. I know that isn’t technically a movie; it is better because many more hours of entertainment.
    Have you ever got to the end of your favorite movie or book and just wish it didn’t end yet? I have many times. Mirren has been compared to Humphrey Bogart for that role, even before I read that I think she is very butch, and never missed an episode.
    So if Jimmy Dean, Humphrey Bogart, Cary Grant can be role models for butches, how about Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing? OMG – what a great model for a butch – just my opinion! But I can easily see a Butch in that role. #swoon.
    Then another fave is Whoopie Goldberg in Jumping Jack Flash – I’ve always thought that was a Butch role. Have you seen it? It includes international espionage, humor, and a different kind of love story.
    Thanks for this fun read, Butch – look forward to coming up with a great movie list from everyone’s contributions – and I don’t watch scary movies,either, nor current or “modern” ones, so it appears – will work on that. . But I do like the “squish” recommended when watching a scary movie. Chuckling. a great way to start my day!

  5. How can you A. Not remember seeing Set It Off, and B. Disagree that it is a hot as hell butch movie? I can only assume then that you did not see it. You should. This from a femme. Queen Latifah, playing a hot butch who organizes a robbery that goes sadly awry, all for her gal. Makes one swoon.

  6. I agree with some of your about that one with Kathy Bates (I love that woman !!) the title is a woman’s name , a Stephen King story who else? I just can’t remember the title argg!! but she was great and her own kind of butch..and then there’s Harry’s Law,which didn’t last too long, was she too butch for them ??

      • I adore Kathy Bates.

        I wonder if it is DOLORES CLAIBORNE you are referring to? Takes place on an island, she works as a housekeeper for a wealthy woman, has an abusive alcoholic husband, and a young daughter. She is fiercely protective of those she loves
        Butch (in a psychotic way) in Misery for sure.

        Then she would be Femme for sure in Fried Green Tomatoes.
        There is one in which she cares for her mentally challenged sister – can’t remember name – would likely be Butch as well.

  7. Anybody think Indiana Jones when they were reading this? I mean, he gets to go to really cool places, is always racing against the Nazis, always gets a girl, and he is a history prof in his spare time. How much more butch can ya get?

Leave a Comment

error: Content is protected !!